Newsletter 5

Tinsel Town Corner

I’ve been watching a lot of old Johnny Carson videos on YouTube lately. As a result, some unique videos have been popping up on my feed.

Specifically, there’s a group of tiny channels whose target audience is Americans over the age of 90 whose negligent children haven’t cut them off from internet access yet.

The manosphere is all about Yul Brynner and Johnny Weissmuller now.

Most of the content centers around golden-age movie stars dropping absolute bombs of fake messy gossip as they near death. The actual videos are AI narration over a slideshow of Google image search results of the celebrities.

The silent generation viewers don’t care about the truth; they just want their lifelong hunches about Haley Mills confirmed by The King Of Time channel before they die.

        Some get pretty bombastic.

There’s one thing that all of these channels seem to agree on: M Squad’s Lee Marvin was Hollywood’s messiest drama-loving bitch. According to these channels, he spent most of his life constantly complaining about, whining about, and slandering his co-stars.

        The channels also have a bad habit of spamming the exact same video with different actors multiple times a day. The people watching these videos do not know how to click the account and see their video upload history, so it doesn’t really matter.

        These popular homophobic thumbnails are in heavy rotation:

Looks like Hollywood’s Oops! Files went on a real blitz with it about a month ago:

On second thought, maybe this exact quote really could be separately attributed to all of these actors–it was a different and more bigoted time, after all. Who knows.

But I'm not so sure about this one:

        The four cashiers at McDonalds when I leave:

        A lot of the videos talk about old celebs packing big dicks, for the older ladies and gay gentlemen:

        And some videos are about celebs packing big dicks but also being evil:

        Peppered in are a few surprisingly open-minded thumbnails and titles:

        I had a good time browsing the thumbnails, but the videos themselves are very boring, unfortunately.

Here’s to you, guy who owns all of these channels.

        As a side note, I used an incognito window to browse these channels to get more of them recommended. One unintended consequence was that I also got recommended the Mr. Beast Celebrity Games, a 45-minute challenge/elimination style game with a bunch of celebrities.

Well, some celebrities, and some other people who make you squint and say “huh?” when you see them, like these four guys.

        Mr. Beast, who looks like a complete moron wearing a blazer with a t-shirt and some sort of plastic hoodie, constantly makes demeaning short jokes toward his co-host, Kevin Hart, throughout the video.

        Howie Mandell appears as a contestant. He does not give a fuck about the game, does not know what’s going on, and has snuck in a phone to illegally record a memorization puzzle challenge to give himself an edge. Mr. Beast notices, but instead of eliminating Howie, he rewards him for his craftiness.

This is simply the lawless world we live in today.

At one point Steve-O grabs a chef’s knife and balances on the tip of his nose.

Not only do the 8 year-olds watching this not know that Steve-O is a professionally trained circus freak, they also don’t know he traded his beautiful voice with that of an old witch in order to max out his resistances to almost all types of damage. He’s not a normal human.

Without a doubt, hundreds of children have run into their kitchens and yelled “watch this!”, immediately stabbing themselves in the face.

You may think that’s an exaggeration, but tell that to my Grandma, who at age 6 was stabbed through the leg with an icepick when her 8 year old brother tried imitating the knife-thrower they had just seen at the local carnival earlier that day.

There were probably only like 50 kids who went to that carnival at most, so at least 2% of the knife throwing act’s viewers were confirmed to imitate the act at home. Scaling up to the 86 million views the Mr. Beast video has, there must have been over a million face stabbings across the globe since this video’s release.

        I really skipped through most of this crap. At some point Howie self-destructs during a cooking contest, causing Paris Hilton and Giada De Laurentiis to call security. He is eliminated and is “sent through the portal” by the Mr. Beast PMC operators.

Paul Scheer (children will recognize him from VH1's I Love The 90s) also decides to leave with Howie, despite not being eliminated, apparently because he's just bored and isn't interested in competing for the chance to win one million dollars for his charity any longer.

        Selma Blair (finally a real Hollywood celeb) is here too and looks very cute. But she was on Howie’s team so through the portal she goes.

        Skipping to the end, it’s a three-way contest between Steve-O, a lady from K-Pop Demon Hunters, and some guy I don’t know. Quickly put, the final challenge is a bluffing game where they have to convince each other to swap or not swap their suitcases, one of which contains the final prize.

        The Demon Hunter initially chooses the winning suitcase and has to convince Steve-O not to switch with her. He quickly defeats her by asking “what is in the suitcase,” to which she starts giggling and says “a bunny.” Steve-O is able to see through her lie and takes her suitcase, winning the competition. Gen-X excellence.

Tier Maker’s Corner

I Tried Every Twix Bar in the Twix I Bought at the Gas Station. Here’s My Definitive Ranking:

S-Tier: Right Twix bar.

Notes of chocolate, shortbread cookie, and caramel are the forward flavors of this timeless treat. Mars Inc. has achieved a great maillard-style reaction on this caramel, turning it the color of the maillard reaction. The center of the bar has a cookie-like texture similar to that of an English “biscuit.” And the chocolate has that classic Mars wax flavor we all know and love.

F-Tier: Left Twix bar.

Right off the bat, this one felt less appetizing than the Right Twix bar. I didn't want to eat it as much as the first for some reason. I take a bite anyway.

Yuup. What a knockoff. The familiar flavors from Right Twix bar are all here, but it doesn’t taste as good the second time around. Just more of the same. Hey Left Twix bar–I liked you more the first time I ate you, when you were called Right Twix bar. Completely boring and derivative.

Don’t waste your time with this one.

Screenshot Roundup