Gamer’s Corner

The Fortnite X Simpsons collab has arrived.

 But who is this? Homer Simpson seems to have grown two or more feet.

Thankfully, using Proportional DNA Analysis pioneered by bigfoot expert and YouTuber ThinkerThunker, we don’t need to speculate. We can scientifically prove that this is a non-human imposter.

As you can see, Homer’s legs have nearly doubled in length, and is a confirmed pDNA mismatch.

Furthermore, comparing the two images and using some basic algebra, and knowing that Real Homer is 6-feet tall (nothing to shake a stick at by the way; many would say this is already unnaturally tall), we find that Fortnite Homer is almost exactly 8-feet tall.

According to Wikipedia’s “List of Tallest People” page, this would put Homer in elite company, among fellow 8-footers such as Charles Sogli, possibly the tallest man in Ghana. Charles has never been measured.

Homer’s accomplishment would also be shared with Sa’id Muhammad Ghazi, an 8-foot Egyptian who claimed to be nearly 10-feet tall.

Lying about your height seems to be compulsive for some men. Even those who tower over their fellow countrymen by a good two-and-a-half feet, like the mononymous Suparwono of Indonesia, feel the need to add on an entire 12 inches to their height for no reason.

And finally, don’t forget being-tall forefather Anton de Franckenpoint, the “first person to reach 8 feet.” Although he died over 400 years ago, we can at least verify his height using his skeleton.

Or can we?

A quick glance at his four-sentence Wikipedia article reveals his skeleton isn’t actually complete, and that its “feet are made of cork.” Very suspicious.

Credit: ThinkerThunker

Gourmet Corner

        This week was the yearly work potluck. Somehow I was excluded from the potluck group chat, despite making fire cheesecake brownies that everyone scarfed down last year. Do they fear this whiteboy who knows his way around the kitchen? I think they just forgot because I was out of town when they started setting it up.

        From what I’ve gathered over the years, most of the food is made by the lady employees, with the men mostly stealing valor by bringing in dishes made by their wives. “My hands smell like curry,” one man was heard complaining, “it spilled on me when I was pouring it into the container.” It seemed dumping the prepared food into a vessel was his major contribution in the kitchen, and I fear this may have been the extent of most of the men’s efforts.

        HIT of the day: a Hawaiian roll, griddled on the spot, then slathered with some sort of veggie curry hot out of a crockpot, and finally topped with a spoonful of very finely chopped red onions. It was clear this guy took pride in making it himself and took extra effort to serve it hot.

        MISS of the day: some sort of chicken dish. The chicken was in the form of small black nuggets. I know Indian food has bones and hard seeds in it, so I was sure to chew carefully. But the more I moved this nugget around in my mouth, the more tiny bones fell out of it. As the bones became loose, they only uncovered more, even smaller bones. This was simply a Bone Cluster, some sort of low-level spell they teach Necromancer children. I have no idea what part of the chicken would even produce this. Some sort of reverse-processing to make it less edible.

In the end, fun was had by all. The work zoomers sat around making 6-7 jokes. No one had any allergic reactions or got sick despite the food sitting out in the danger zone for 3+ hours. Potluck success.

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